Lost
by Maria13
Summary: Another day on another planet, thats what SG-1 thought anyway. But now a member of the team is lost, and another is dead...little bit of S&J. Completed - Added: Teaser for the next story.
1. So sorry

_Disclaimer: I am making squat from this story and own no rights to Stargate SG-1 etc, etc._

Lost 

"Oh God!" Carter stood still as a statue; the Zat she carried hung loosely in her fingers.  Her hands were trembling and her blue eyes wide with shock – horrified at the terrible act she had moments earlier committed.  _I had no choice _the Major told herself _if I hadn't then we would all be dead _that thought stuck in her confused mind but it didn't make the pain any more unbearable.  If she had not killed the Colonel then he would be the killer.  Carter dropped the weapon and it fell to the dirty floor, mud splashed as the Zat impacted the ground.

"Major Carter?" she could hear Teal'c calling her name and his voice sounded so far away, she didn't reply.  He and Daniel had been outside the cave in which she now stood when it had happened "Major Carter?" Sam heard the Jaffa again but instead of answering his persistent calls she walked forward.  It seemed as though she were moving ever so slowly as if some invisible force held her back.  But eventually Carter was stood next to the still form of O'Neill.  She dropped to her knees beside him and pressed her fingers to his neck, checking for the pulse that she would never feel.  It was a pointless action and Sam knew it – one shot knocked a target out, two killed and three disintegrated.  _Maybe I should shoot a third time _Carter thought _that way I won't have to see his dead body and I can pretend this never happened_.

She couldn't though, for one thing the Zat was no longer in her hand and secondly she couldn't convince herself Jack was alive, because what had happened was all too real to try and imagine it never occurred.  

They had arrived on the planet, designated PX4 484, three hours prior to the 'incident'.  At first glance it closely resembled the planet that Jonas Hanson, her ex, had gone crazy on.  Ironic actually as she had almost killed Jonas on that mission, almost however wasn't a word that could be used in this situation.  An hour into this mission they had come across some strange plants, more like corn in a huge field actually and in order to reach the temple that the UAV had shown, they had to cross the field.  When they had emerged on the other side they found a golden powder on their skin, it had come from the 'corn' when their hands had brushed against it.  All members had washed their hands in the lake when they reached it and set up camp before carrying on to explore the temple and the surrounding area.  An hour or so into the exploration and O'Neill and Carter had walked a little further away from the temple, leaving Teal'c to keep a watch over Daniel in case unwanted company arrived.

After walking around for a while they crossed another 'corn field' but thought nothing of it, later on Carter had noticed her CO acting a little strangely, agitated and grumpy but shrugged it off, thinking it must just be the extreme heat that was getting to him.  They had come upon the cave and stayed in there for around half an hour, having found some etchings on the wall and Carter had begun copying them down to show Daniel when they returned to camp.  Every five minutes the Colonel told her to hurry up and she kept on replying "just a minute Sir, there's just a few more left."  But then Jack had snapped, his patience had apparently worn thin.  Sam had packed up and told him that they could go but he ignored her and began shouting, acting crazy and out of control.  She had tried to calm him down, told him over and over that they could go now but he just wouldn't listen to her.  Carter had started to walk past him, to try and get outside but he had pushed her back and taken his Zat and aimed it at her.  The Major had frozen; training had prepared her for a variety of situations but nothing such as this.  

She had tried to reason with him but her pleas fell on deaf ears, she had dodged out of the way as he fired once.  Many more times after that she had averted being shot by her CO, her friends Zat.  But then she had shot him, O'Neill had gone down and Carter had felt relieved, thought that it would be okay to leave him there whilst she got help.  She hadn't expected him to rise up and grab her, then aim the Zat at her head.  She didn't know who this man was but it certainly wasn't the man that she knew and cared for, in that moment that Carter looked into his eyes she knew he would shoot her there and then.  He had given her no choice and she had shot him again, both team members had gone down.  Only Jack stayed where he had fallen.  

Sam stayed on her knees next to O'Neill, not moving, believing she was in some warped dream.  The more she watched him the harder it was to remain in control, unshed tears burned behind her eyes and an aching lump formed in her throat "I'm so sorry" she whispered.  It was then that she noticed his eyes were still open, they weren't the cold eyes of a killer anymore.  They were the same warm brown orbs that she had seen every day, _no _Carter thought.  From what she could now see, in his lifeless eyes, he had come to his senses maybe seconds before she shot him for a second time.  _He watched me kill him and he didn't know why _was the thought that now travelled through her mind.  Carter closed his eyes _I don't want him to see me like this _she let out a humourless laugh but it sounded more like a sob _he wasn't going to be seeing anything anymore_.

"Sam?" that was Daniel, his voice sounded closer than Teal'c's had minutes earlier.  He was coming into the cave.  She could hear his footsteps now coming closer and closer and closer until "Oh no, no, no what happened?" he ran towards them, his boots making a sludgy sound as he moved "Teal'c!" he shouted loudly, his voice echoing in the cave.

Carter next heard Teal'c, his heavy boots making the same sound as Daniel's had, he laid his staff weapon on the ground, his usually stoic face was now questioning and both men looked in her direction "Major Carter what occurred here?"

"I had to" she whispered.  Carter wasn't even sure they had heard her until, what seemed like years later, Daniel replied.

"Why?" was the single question he asked, and when Sam finally looked up she knew Teal'c had been about to ask the same question.

What was she supposed to tell them?  That the man they admired and trusted with their lives, the friend that was more like a family member to them, had turned on her like a madman and tried to kill her?  "He…something happened to him, the Colonel he…it might have been the corn, he had powder on his hand and we don't know what it is so that might have been the reason he started acting different…" Carter stopped, she wasn't sure she was making much sense.  Everything was clearing up in her head but she couldn't put what she wanted to say into words, not without crying everything out anyway.

"You do not make sense Major Carter" Teal'c said as his glance moved from O'Neill and back to Carter.

"I know…I, he just went crazy and I couldn't calm him down!" her voice rose slightly; they shouldn't still be in the cave.  That place had a cool and eerie feeling about it now and she wanted to leave ASAP "we need to get him back to the SGC, we can't keep him in here."  Carter stood and walked outside, the air seemed to be suffocating her known and she breathed slowly and steadily.  She couldn't break down, had to be strong for the team.  Tears could wait but right now they had to bring their leader home.

**To be continued…**  

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	2. Dazed

Chapter II

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****

It was a somber company that walked back to the Stargate, their camp was still set up but SG-1, the remainder of SG-1 left everything.  Another team could come back later on or the next day to gather everything up, it didn't really matter to them when they would get their things back.  The team had other things on their mind.  In order to reach the Gate they had to cross the 'corn field' again and when they emerged on the other side O'Neill had a golden hue to his skin, shiny looking.  It made him seem alive and glowing.  Teal'c and Daniel had gathered up one of the large thermal blankets and laid him upon that, they were carrying him that way.  No one had spoken for a long while, it was as though they were gathering their thoughts together, and planning how they were going to break the news to General Hammond and the rest of the SGC.

"I'll dial" Carter was the first one to break the silence.  She hadn't needed to speak but she just felt the need to say something, anything.  Both teammates just nodded solemnly and waited for the code to be sent so they could continue onwards.

When they arrived on the other end General Hammond was, as always, waiting for them on the other side.  He took one look at their faces and shouted an order "get a med team down here!" the General looked to each of them, waiting for them to tell him what had happened "How bad is he?" he asked with a concerned expression on his face.  From where he was standing he could not see that Colonel O'Neill was beyond any medical aid, Teal'c was blocking his line of sight.

Sam looked up to General Hammond; she forced herself to remain composed for now at least.  "It's bad Sir."  She paused and swallowed _I can't say it _but Carter had to "Colonel O'Neill is dead" the Major spoke so fast that she wasn't sure General Hammond had heard her as he did not reply for what seemed to be the longest time.  Carter watched as a medical team rushed in, prepared to help Jack "he's already gone…" she told them quietly and they looked at her with questioning gazes.  

The whole room had gone so quiet, and she couldn't stand it, everybody was watching them and she hated it.  Sam took one last look around the Gateroom before she left hurriedly, looking away from everybody and ignoring any questions that were thrown her way.  She ran along the corridor and didn't stop until she reached the safety of her lab, once there Carter closed the door and sank down on the floor.

*

When Sam next looked up, her eyes clear of any more tears, she noticed an hour had gone by.  She stared at the clock, just watching as the seconds ticked by as though in a daze.  It was a knock at her door that finally stole her attention and Carter stood and composed herself before opening the door "General Hammond requests our presence" Teal'c informed her.  His face was as stoic as ever but it was his eyes that betrayed him, they showed how much he was hurting, grieving for his friend and comrade on the inside.  It was one type of pain that Junior couldn't heal.

Carter nodded and he led the way along the corridor until they reached the briefing room, General Hammond was already sat down at his usual spot, head of the table.  Daniel was there already to, he was just putting his glasses back on and when Carter and Teal'c looked at him both saw the red eyes.  _At least Daniel has the guts to show what he's feeling, I just hide behind the Military façade as always _but deep down Carter knew that wasn't true, she had left her guard down too.  Once Teal'c and Carter were seated everyone's eyes unconsciously drifted to the seat that Jack usually occupied, General Hammond coughed, momentarily breaking the tension and the silence "I need to know what happened on that planet."  They had all been waiting for that, its what SG-1 had been thinking about on their return trip to the Stargate, and so they began their tale…

***

"Carter?  Hey Carter?" Sam felt a hand on her arm, and she blinked a few times.  That was the deepest daze she had ever gone into before, she turned and looked at the man who was sitting in front of her.  A surprised expression evident on her face "you spaced out there for…the entire debriefing" Colonel Jack O'Neill stood.  "I thought that was what I was supposed to do" he joked, well usually he got some kind of reaction from Carter but this time…nothing "must have been some daydream."

Sam stood, not taking her eyes off him "yeah, yeah it was…" she trailed off.  The room was empty but for her and O'Neill, she hadn't even heard anybody getting up and leaving.

He looked at his 2IC, a little concerned now "are you okay?" he began walking to the door and waited for her to come to.

She nodded; she was tired and needed sleep, that's all it was.  She was starting to forget what her dream had been about anyway, Carter felt a deep and indescribable sense of pain…loss though and the Major didn't know why "I'm fine Sir, just need a little sleep."  O'Neill nodded; hey she was going to be getting some sleep instead of working in her lab for the rest of the night?  Who was he to tell her no?   

"G'night Carter" O'Neill bid her farewell with a yawn of own "Down lay awake dreaming of all that work you're missing out on, will you?" he grinned.

Major Carter followed him out, she replied to his question with a shake of her head "I won't Sir, good night" they walked alongside each other until they went their separate ways.  Instead of going straight to her room or driving home she went to the Infirmary, they had already had their checkup before the debriefing but Carter guessed she should probably tell Janet about the 'daze'.

Janet was getting ready to head out when the Major knocked on the door and entered the otherwise empty room "I can come back tomorrow…" she turned around to head on out again when Janet stopped her.

"That's okay, what is?" Janet sat down in her chair and waited for her friend to speak.

Carter walked over to one of the bed and sat down on it, looking around thoughtfully before she spoke "it's probably nothing, I don't know.  I don't remember anything about the debriefing, it must have been some deep daze or trance or something" she tried to describe what it was.

"You think that was nothing?" Janet replied, concerned.  She stood and began to check Carter over "that sounds more like a blackout Sam" she shone the penlight in her eyes "have you been eating properly?" the Doc waited patiently for a reply "Sam…?"

***

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carter looked up at Janet, a blank expression on her face and blue eyes empty and unfocussed.  The Major shook her head wordlessly, actually she hadn't said much at all during the whole post mission check up.  The Doc told her that she was good to leave when she spoke again "this isn't something you want to keep bottled up Sam" Janet warned her.

"I already talked about it with General Hammond during the debriefing" Sam replied, her voice a little monotonous.  She was so tired and just wanted to rest, to try and forget the tragedy for a few hours at least.

Her friend crossed her arms and looked at her firmly, this time it was the Doctor that spoke "it isn't enough to just say what happened in a debriefing, you need to talk about what you're feeling.  If you don't this will eat up at you inside, Daniel has already agreed to it and I'm going to speak to Teal'c first thing in the morning."

More tears threatened to spill but Carter held them back, she nodded "I just can't…not yet."  
  


Janet nodded, a least partly satisfied with her answer "okay, now you can go.  I'm sorry Sam…"

"Me too" was Sam Carters short reply before she left the room, the door swung to a silent close behind her.

*

Daniel and Teal'c sat side by side in the dim room; the archaeologist was heading back to his own room when he just felt the urge to talk.  He'd be spilling everything the next day when he spoke to Mackenzie but at that moment he needed to see a friend, someone who understood "I saw him die again and again at Baal's hand but I never felt like this then." Daniel began "and those were…bad, really bad."

Teal'c nodded once "perhaps it was because at that time you were an ascended being, or because you knew O'Neill would return again due to the aid of a sarcophagus."

"Yeah…and this time that isn't going to happen.  Jack is dead" it was the first time Daniel had said that out loud and he couldn't believe he had said it then, even though it was the truth "I keep expecting him to walk into my office when I'm working and try and get me to do something fun."

"Many times O'Neill has come to my door and interrupted my Kel'no'reem" the Jaffa replied "I too expect him to do so now, even though I know he will not."

Jackson looked to the left so he could see he friend "thanks for listening…I just needed to talk."

Teal'c nodded in understanding "I also grieve for our friend, Daniel Jackson" he stared straight ahead, seemingly focused on a small mark on the grey wall in front of him.  

"Good night" Daniel stood and opened the door, the light from the corridor flooding in.

"Good night Daniel Jackson" the Jaffa answered.  The door closed behind the archaeologist and Teal'c stood once alone in the room, he felt like punching something.  O'Neill was no longer there to spar with so the punch bag would have to do.

***      

 Janet waved her hand in front of Sam's eyes after receiving no response from her call, when Carter finally snapped out of her 'daze' Janet spoke "it happened again, didn't it?"

Sam nodded and looked up at the Doc "yeah…he was dead Janet" she was so confused now, what was real?

Janet shook her head, not understanding Carter's comment "who was dead?" she asked gently.

"The Colonel…I think I killed him…"  


	3. Real World?

Chapter III

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"The Colonel's fine…I saw him not two hours ago, he was in perfect health" Janet countered; she was a little confused now.  First a blackout and now her friend were talking nonsense.  "Shall I get him down here so you can see for yourself?"

Carter shook her head and ran a hand through her hair then stifled a yawn "no…it wasn't here.  I'm not making any sense" she stopped speaking for a few seconds to try and straighten everything out in her head.  "When I blackout just now I was here…in the Infirmary and I was talking to you just like I am now, except I was hurting…a lot."

Janet sat down beside Sam on the bed "hurt?  How?  After a mission?"  Must have been some funky blackout.

"No, it wasn't physical, it was emotional.  I'm forgetting what it was about even now it's just what I felt that's making me remember what I saw; it was after a mission I think.  And the Colonel was dead, I shot him…I think," Carter shook her head and walked to the door "I'm just gonna go to sleep."  Her hand reached for the door until Janet stopped her.

"I want you to stay here tonight" she saw Carter about to protest "just for tonight, I want to keep an eye on you."

"I'm fine, really."

Janet stood also and looked at Sam firmly "it isn't a request Sam.  I can stay here for the night, Cassie is at a friends so I don't have to worry about getting home" the Doc told her.  She motioned the bed that the Major had been sitting on a few seconds ago "sleep."  Janet walked to the door "I want to see you snoozing by the time I get back."  

Sam raised her hands up in surrender "okay, okay you win.  But I'm fine really" Janet nodded and exited the room leaving Carter in the Infirmary alone.

*

Carter awoke to the Infirmary lights being switched on; it was the flickering that first roused her from her dream free sleep and she look up through half closed eyes.  Her teammates were walking in, trying to be quiet but failing quite miserably "when we didn't see you in the Commissary this morning we wondered where you were."  Daniel was the first one to speak as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"It was when we looked in your lab and saw you weren't even there that we really started to worry" that was Jack; he spoke with a light smirk on his face.  Carter slowly began to wake a little more, the bright light making her squint a bit.

"Doctor Fraiser told us that you were here," Teal'c informed her, his hands behind his back as he stood by the door.  Looking almost like a store security guard as he was so still.

Jack nodded "she was in a bit of a rush so she didn't get a chance to tell why you were stuck in here.  Are you okay?  You seemed fine after the briefing, a little tired…"

Sam sat up in the bed and looked at each of them "I'm perfectly alright."

"Okay…" Daniel began "so why are you here…?"

She shook her head dismissively as if saying it was nothing important "just Janet being a little cautious.  Now you guys get out whilst I get changed then I'm getting something to eat" Daniel who was sitting down now stood up as Sam got out of the bed and ushered them all to the door "go, I'll be out in a minute."

*

Within fifteen minutes they were in the commissary.  Daniel, Jack and Teal'c for the second time.  They sat around their usual table with more coffee for the guys and cereal and a first cup for Sam "don't we have a meeting at 0900?" she asked before taking a drink of the coffee.

"Hmmm, fun" O'Neill replied sarcastically.  He held his cup in between his hands; it was almost empty "General Hammond wants us to check out some footage from PX3…9 etcetera, etcetera, before we head out there tomorrow."

Daniel looked up "so soon after yesterday?  I have some things to do that'll take at least the next four days" if didn't have to, he really didn't want to head out again.  The Archaeologist still had the artifacts from the last mission to study and decipher.

"We're join SG-4 at 1300 tomorrow Danny so either play with your artifacts today or leave them 'til you get back" Jack replied.  He looked across the table at where Carter was sitting; she was about to take a bite of the cereal but had stopped and now looked as though she were staring off into space.  "Carter?"  He reached out and took the spoon from her hand and Sam didn't even bat an eyelid "hey…"

*** 

"I'm hungry but can't eat a thing" she felt completely empty.  When SG-1 had woken up that morning the whole base seemed to be hauntingly quiet, like it was the SGC's version of a ghost town.  Sam laid down her spoon, the cereal was starting to go soggy but she didn't care.  She hadn't felt like eating in the first place but Janet had told her she should get something down her.  The rest of the team felt exactly the same, all around the table were full mugs of coffee that had turned cold as they hadn't be drank, cereal that was starting to look inedible and opened breakfast bars that hadn't been touched.

The people at the table comprised of Carter, Daniel and Teal'c…everyone that walked into the commissary found their eyes wandering over to the table, the team just wasn't complete.  There was a gap were their friend and leader should be "what are you looking at?" Carter snapped at an airman who was watching them from his table.

"We're supposed to go and speak with Mackenzie today" Daniel told them though they already knew "though I doubt it'll make us feel any better."

Sam let go of her spoon and let it clatter to the table "I'm not talking to Mackenzie" she replied stonily.  "I don't want him to listen to me spilling my guts just to tell me when I've finished that everything will be alright, and I don't want him to give me that patronising look that he seems to reserve for us" in truth she didn't want to talk to anyone at all.  Being along looked like a really good prospect at that moment but she knew nobody would allow that, "oh God I miss him."

Teal'c and Jackson looked at her with looks of mild surprise on their faces, it was the first time she had expressed some kind of feeling about what had happened that made her appear completely open and vulnerable.  "As do I" the Jaffa offered.

"You're not alone in this Sam" Daniel told his friend kindly "we're some of the only people that know exactly what you're going through."

"Not exactly the same Daniel" she answered back softly.  Carter took the spoon again and stirred the now floppy contents of the bowl around in the milk, all three friends looked up suddenly as a shadow loomed over them.

"Who would like to see me first?" the man they least wanted to bump into that day was now standing over them, a little smile on his face.

"Good morning Doctor Mackenzie" Daniel forced a greeting and looked across at Teal'c who merely nodded.

"Do we have a choice of not seeing you at all?" Sam asked the Doc irritably.  

Mackenzie turned to her, his little smile fading slightly "Major Carter…I know…"

The spoon landed on the table again" no you don't" Carter interrupted.  "And it doesn't matter how many times we speak to you, you'll still never understand what we're going through."

The Doctor shifted from foot to foot and coughed uncomfortably "I can see you don't feel like speaking just yet…" he didn't move, it looked as though he was just going to wait for someone to come with him whether it was what they wanted to do, or not.   

"You think" Carters teammates looked at her, and all three people appeared to freeze upon hearing her reply.  It was Jack's answer, one of the smart and sarcastic replies he used to use "I'm finished here, okay?  I'll be in my lab if you need me."

Mackenzie watched her leave, the Doctor in him analyzing the situation and the rest of him just seeing a person that had lost a very close friend.

***

"Colonel?" Sam Carter looked as though she had just woken up all over again "what's going on?  What's happening to me?"

*

For the third time in two days Major Carter found herself sitting on the edge of an Infirmary bed, and for the second time Janet was telling her she could find nothing amiss "so you're telling me I'm going crazy?" she asked worriedly.  One thing she didn't want was to be told she was going to be put on downtime for an unknown amount of time because of this, they were supposed to be heading to PX3 969 the next day.

"Nobodies saying you're going crazy Carter" O'Neill told her solemnly.  He was standing by the bed with his hands in his pants pockets, Sam wasn't completely sure why but she felt a tremendous amount of relief at him being there.  "So what exactly are you seeing in these…what are they Doc?  Blackouts?"

Janet nodded, she was leaning against her desk whilst she listened to their banter "and from what Sam has told me they started during the briefing yesterday, right?" at her friends nod she continued.  "During these 'blackouts' Sam had been experiencing…I'm not actually sure how to explain it…another version of events that are happening now?" 

O'Neill looked lost which was understandable as the other two people that were in the room were having a hard time figuring out what was going on themselves "and what are you seeing in this, other version?"

When Carter didn't reply the Doc carried on.  "Well, the main thing that Sam _feels_ has happened is killing you" and now they both waited for his reaction.

The fact that Carter thought she had killed him wasn't lost on him but it was the other part of what the Doc said that interested him "feels has happened?" he glanced at his 2IC for an explanation.

"Yeah" Carter stared at the chair in front of her.  "I was in pain…grieving for you…and then I was here again and you were, alive."

"Oh" was his single reply.  Jack was about to speak again when Sam began again.

She looked at her two friends closely "it was so real, and this is definitely real.  So which am I supposed to believe actually happened?" Carter waited for some kind of verification.

O'Neill knelt down in front of her "well seeing as its my ass on the line I gotta say _this_ is very real" he answered gently.

"I really hope so Sir but how can I know for sure?  Is this actually happening?  Or am I just making this scenario up in my mind to ease my pain from losing you?" 

**To be continued…**


	4. Trying to Understand

Chapter IIII

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O'Neill took Carter's hand "does this feel unreal to you?  If this was your imagination wouldn't you be going straight thorough me?  Like a mirage or something?" he looked up at his friend.  She looked so lost right now "I promise you that this is real."

Sam forced a smile, if only to let them believe she thought everything would be fine "that may be true Sir…but if I was imagining this and I was controlling what's going on now in my head then, wouldn't I make it so you said that?" she pulled her hand away and stood up "I have to finish work, there's things I have to do before we head out tomorrow."

"Carter…you think way too much" O'Neill told her.  Though this time there was no sarcastic edge to his voice, he was deeply serious "you're going to give yourself a headache with all this deep thinking" he looked across to Janet for help and she nodded in agreement.  "Are you going to be alright going off world tomorrow?" he was unsure, it wasn't safe for the Major to go if she was going to have black outs.

Sam was about to reply when Janet cut her off, it was what she had been dreading.  "I can't allow you to go tomorrow, it's too risky," the Doc said gently, she knew that Carter was going to hate that.  Carter didn't speak, she just sighed in defeat and walked out of the Infirmary.  Janet might be able to stop her from going off world but there was no way Sam would let the Doc stop her from working in her Lab.  It was the only thing that stopped her from thinking about what was happening.

*

An hour into working on a report Carter was interrupted by a knocking on her door, she didn't answer, as she knew if it was one of her friends they would just walk in.  If it was somebody needing her help then they could wait for a while, as it turned out it was Daniel.  He didn't say anything to her, he just took a seat "what do you want Daniel?" she pause in her work, he fingers motionless above the keys.

"I came to see how you're doing," he answered before taking off his jacket and putting it across the back of the chair.

The forced smile appeared again "well, I'm not imagining anything if that's what you mean" she announced before starting to type once again.

"So you haven't…?" Carter looked at his expectantly "you know, started to imagine Jack is dead again…" Daniel asked, guessing it might be a bit of a touchy subject with her at the moment.

"Daniel!  I am perfectly fine," she snapped.

***

"Call me crazy Sam but I don't think you're fine at all…I was there when you were talking to Mackenzie, I haven't seen you get so annoyed with him…with many people before actually" Daniel took off his glasses and wiped them, they were stained slightly from coffee had spilled over the in the Commissary earlier that morning.

Carter leaned back in her chair with a coffee and sighed "I just don't want to talk to him at the moment…its too soon."

"I think its too soon for all of us at the moment, Janet won't let him push you to talk…" he was about to say more when he saw that Sam wanted to tell him something, she stopped however before she got a word out and seemed to withdraw again.  "What is it?" he questioned.

"I've been having these blackouts…but when I 'wake up' again, I'm somewhere else" Carter saw Daniel regard her with an enquiring stare, concerned for her.  "I'm here at the SGC but it's different…"

Daniel put his glasses back on "different how?"  Oh he hoped she wasn't going…crazy or something because of what had happened _don't let Sam be the next to go_.

Carter shook her head, she could barely understand this herself and she was supposed to be genius _or at least that's what Jack used to say_ she thought before going on to answer the Archaeologists question.  "In a lot of ways it's mirroring what's happening now except, the Colonel isn't dead.  I never killed him, and I wish it was true," Carter added softly as she buried her face behind her hands.  "What's happening to me?" she didn't expect Daniel to answer.

"You think they're delusions?  That you're making this up in you head to ease the pain of Jack's death?"  Her watched Sam as she nodded, she was so worried that she was starting to loose her mind.  "Well we can talk to Janet, now, and maybe she can give you something?  Sam you're upset that you lost him, everybody is.  But I promise you that Janet will find out what's happening."  Carter looked up at him solemnly "what?"

"But Daniel I want this delusion, or whatever it is to be true!" she stood and pushed her chair back, suddenly needing to get some fresh air.

Jackson rose from his own chair and leaving his coat he walked to the door and opened it, he paused before proceeding into the corridor "I'll get Janet, okay?  And we will both be right back" at Carters shaky nod he closed the door before running through the halls of the SGC to get Janet.

*

Once inside the Infirmary he quickly, and slightly worriedly explained what Sam had told him "this isn't completely unusual, she is traumatized by this.  Sam just shot her friend, true it was in self defense but she is never going to stop blaming herself for what happened."

"Yes but Janet she wants this other reality that she has set up for herself to be real…what if that happens?  Will she be alright, what?" Daniel was understandably deeply concerned for Carter.

They were both walking back to Sam's Lab now as they spoke in hushed tones, they didn't want something like this to get out.  If it did it the news of what was happening would steadily change as it continued on along the SGC's grapevine, it would sound worse and worse.  Like their version of Chinese whispers "if she withdraws deeply enough inside herself then we may loose her Daniel…"

"She's already refusing to speak to Mackenzie about this.  All this is just building up inside of her" Janet stopped him before he could continue.

"I am going to help her Doctor Jackson, but she is going to need all of her help.  We can't let her keep on believing that Colonel O'Neill is still alive otherwise we will have lost her and we might never get her back." 


	5. Solutions

Chapter V

"I already told you I don't want to speak to Mackenzie, I'm not ready to talk about what happened!" Carter spoke to Daniel and the Doc defiantly, she kept her voice even and tried not to shout but it was hard when they were telling her what she had to do.  The door to her Lab was closed and so anyone that went past wouldn't hear them arguing, or at least she hoped they couldn't.  Carter was sat down in front of her computer whilst Daniel and Janet hovered over her, she wasn't too pleased about them forcing her to do something that she wasn't happy with.  It was like they were ganging up on her and if Sam thought that she would be even more resistant to their suggestions.

Daniel sighed in a slightly frustrated way as he wanted Sam to see that they were only trying to help her but she was being so damn stubborn "please Sam - Teal'c and I are going to see him too.  Eventually you will have to and as they say, there's no time like the present" well that sounded like a pretty good argument.  "If you want Teal'c and I will be there with you, Janet too, in case he tries to push too much."

"And if you don't I will recommend you be take off active duty until this is sorted out" the Doc had already told Mackenzie, briefly, about the Major and her 'blackouts'.  As he was somebody on the outside of the SG-1 circle he may be able to get through to Carter better as he wouldn't have anything clouding his judgement, he wouldn't go easy on her for the sake of hurting her feelings.

The Archaeologist winced inwardly, he knew what Sam would think of that "you're blackmailing me into seeing Mackenzie" she seethed.  These people were supposed to be her friends "I don't spill my guts and I don't get to work?  That isn't fair."

"You know I didn't mean it quite like that Sam…I don't want to make it an order but you're not leaving me much choice" at the moment, making Carter see sense seemed about as possible as making a brick bend.  "We will be right there with you in case it becomes too much…not talking about this isn't going to make these blackouts any easier to handle" she added pointedly, the Doc hoped Carter would see why it was so important for her to 'spill her guts'.

Carter leaned back in her chair, she may as well admit defeat because it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to get her way in this disagreement "well you're not leaving me with much choice."  She stood up and walked past her two friends wordlessly then opened the door and carried on into the corridor "we may as well get this over with" Daniel and Janet smiled happily; well at least the first step was over and done with.

*

Mackenzie's office was small and pretty empty due to the fact that he wasn't there that much to use it, there were medical books and papers stacked in a corner and hundreds of forms in a tray by the desk.  There was no warmth in the room and that was fine because the cold and empty feeling in the office matched Carter's mood pretty much perfectly, Mackenzie was sat on a black leather chair by a tall lamp that was lit dimly, supposedly to make the room feel more homely – it didn't really work.  His glasses were set upon a small table on the other side of his chair and he was sat with his legs cross and elbows leaning on the chair arm with his fingers locking together as he regarded the four people in the room.  Daniel was by the door, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, Teal'c was stood next to him as he looked around the room.  Carter was sat in the dark coloured red chair in front of Mackenzie and Janet was situated behind her, the room had never been so crowded before.  He waited until all were 'comfortable' before he began to speak "I'm glad you decided to see me Major Carter."  
  


"I didn't really have a choice in the matter" Sam countered as she made eye contact with the older Doctor, he squirmed a bit under her intense scrutiny – she wasn't going to make this easy for him.

Daniel masked a laugh with a cough and Teal'c turned to him with a raise of the eyebrow, a small trace of a smirk on his face and amusement in his eyes.  None of SG-1 wanted to talk to him much and they found it funny that Carter was the one to make him see that they didn't want to be there, she was usually the co-operative one.  "Very well" Mackenzie didn't really know how to reply to that so with a cough he pressed on "now it seems to be what you are feeling that are controlling this 'other version of events' that you are experiencing…so tell me what are you feeling, Major?  Explain to me what emotions you had during the mission."

She breathed in deeply, gathering her thoughts _why do I get the feeling this is going to take a while _"just take your time Sam" Janet spoke from behind her.  "We have all day" well that was supposed to be encouraging _yeah and I don't want to be in here all day Janet _"just start from the cave" _just begin from when everything had gone to hell _Carter thought again.

"Okay…" _now comes the hard part _"there didn't seem to be anything wrong with him at first, after what to me didn't seem that long since we entered the cave Colonel O'Neill started to become a little agitated…it was really hot outside and the cave wasn't particularly cool so I thought maybe he was just sick of the heat, and the waiting --."

Mackenzie interrupted "what was he waiting for?" _If you would just shut up I was getting to that _Sam glared at him but continued on, this was almost like a rerun of the debriefing only it was an annoying man asking all the questions.

"I found some markings on the cave wall, there were quite a lot and I was copying them down so Daniel could look at them later –" again came an interruption.

Mackenzie was writing what she was saying down on a medium sized pad, the black ink from the fountain pen marking the page with tiny blotches every fifth word or so "and where were Doctor Jackson and Mr. Teal'c?"

"I don't see why this is important," Sam sounded annoyed as she spoke _just let me talk damn it, its what you wanted_.  Mackenzie indicated he wanted her to continue and so she did "Daniel and Teal'c were by some ruins not too far from camp _maybe if we had stuck together it wouldn't have happened _she hated maybes and yet there were so many.  "Every few minutes he asked if I was almost done…" Carter laughed humorlessly "and I was the one getting annoyed at him because he kept breaking my concentration" _maybe if I had turned around I would have seen some sight of what was to come_.  "That's when he got mad…and if its really my feelings you want to hear about, I was worried at first…I didn't know what was wrong and when I asked him he didn't answer me straight.  Then he tried to shoot me with a Zat and I was scared…I was scared of my own friend, do you know what that's like?" her voice wavered slightly.  

Mackenzie shook his head, expressing nothing on what he thought about all this, she hated how he was staying so detached _though that's what I was supposed to do_.  "I shot him once with the Zat and…I felt relief that I could finally get away…get help for him.  But then he grabbed me and my heart was pounding" now came the very hard part "he aimed the Zat at my head  - I tried to reason with him but I couldn't, he wouldn't listen" Carter began to speak faster as though now she just wanted this line of conversation over and done with.  "I looked into his eyes and it wasn't him, it wasn't the person I – have…had known for years.  I felt so useless then, nothing I had learned could help me anymore and then, I shot him and he went down" she finished.  Her voice was normal again now but that wasn't what Mackenzie wanted.

"You said you were scared when he was shooting at you, but what about when you were shooting at him?" the Doctor pushed.  Janet shot him a warning glance, he was getting too close now but Mackenzie ignored her, he was doing his job and Doc Fraiser couldn't interfere.

"I was sad…" _not that isn't right _"I felt empty, as though a part of me had just been torn out.  I had just killed my friend and I was hurting" Sam finished.  _Guess we'll never have a chance to cross the fine line between friendship and flirting again, so many things that in one second I stopped you from ever accomplishing_.  "Um…is that it?  Can I go now?" she moved as if to stand and walk away but Mackenzie stopped her.

"Not yet Major" he replied as he wrote upon the pad.

Daniel and Teal'c had listened intently to what Sam had reported, they both wished they could have been there – maybe if they had ran to the cave instead of walking leisurely along they could have intervened and Jack could be in the Infirmary now, moaning that he was okay and wanted to be released.  Janet could be threatening him with the big needles, telling him to be quiet or she would be forced to use them.  "I think that's enough, right Janet?" Daniel moved his gaze from one Doctor to the other.

Mackenzie held up his hand to silence them.  "Just a few more minutes and then you can leave Major" Janet didn't like it but she nodded.  "And in these blackouts, what are you experiencing?" this was what he had wanted to get to all along.

"I'm happy there, SG-1 is all together and nobody died…there's no sense of loss or fear or sadness" Carter explained, all she wanted to do was leave and Mackenzie just kept pushing and pushing.

He nodded and pushed his glasses further onto his nose and he wrote some more.  "And which version do you believe?" he pried a little deeper.

Carter hesitated – the point here was to tell the truth but not make him believe she was losing her mind, at the moment though those two appeared to go hand-in-hand.  "I want to believe the events that I'm 'living' in the other version, everything seems easier there somehow.  Easy because she didn't have to live with knowing she caused the death of Jack "but what the emotions that I have here are so vivid in comparison to there that I know that the 'other place' is just what my mind made up" _told the truth, expressed myself and told him what he wanted to hear-good work Sam _Carter thought to herself.  

Mackenzie smiled brightly, nodded and then began to speak.  "I'm glad you see that…as painful as it is to hear, this is real and everything else is a figment of your imagination, its your subconscious' way of allowing you to deal with your friends death."  And then he told her she could go; it was as 'easy' as that.  But this day was going to be extremely long…first it was the funeral and then the wake.  This day kind of reminded her of when she, and the rest of SG-1 had seen Mackenzie about Daniel's 'death', because right now she was thinking the same thing about O'Neill.  _I know he's dead, but I know he's alive_ and once again, both realities could not be true.  But this time, in the back of her mind she knew it was the former that was real.

***  

After Daniel had left her hours earlier, working in her Lab, Carter had packed away her things and returned to her quarters to rest.  She still resented the fact that she couldn't go on the mission the next day _if I would've kept this to myself I'd still be going tomorrow_.  It was on that thought that she had fallen asleep, the main light still on.  When Sam woke the pillow was wet and when she put a finger to her cheek tears were still there, drying now.  "Now that was weird" the Major knew what had happened and that worried her, a lot.  She had been there again – living the reality where everything was completely messed up.  And just before she had awoke, there had been a funeral, it was scary how she the emotions from that were still with her when she woke.  One thing was apparent though, as terrible as it was to believe – that reality must be true because it was so real.  Which meant that somehow she had to put a stop this version before she got too attached to it, Carter left her room and headed to the Infirmary.

*

By now Carter had convinced herself that this reality was completely fake, she believed that she had indeed made up this version to get over Jack's death.  As much as it tore her apart to withdraw into the other version, she couldn't go on 'living' a lie.  But, to make sure she had to sort out the people of this reality – the made up reality.  How could she go back to the other place when these people were still haunting her waking moments?  She pushed open the door to the Infirmary and locked it behind her, the place was deserted but for Janet who was leafing through a stack of papers, by a bed in the far corner.  "Janet?" Sam called out pleasantly.  

The Doc turned around and smiled at her.  "Hey Sam, aren't you going to see the guys off?  They'll be leaving soon" she said as she continued to look at the papers and speak to Carter at the same time.

"I know…I'll get to them in a minute, I finally came to a conclusion about the blackouts" the Major stepped closer to Janet; a Zat was concealed behind her.  From her friendly smile it appeared as though there was nothing amiss.

Her friend turned around in her chair to face Carter "well that's great…but you know that doesn't mean you can go on the mission now, right?" she checked.

Sam nodded "I finally understand that this isn't real, I mean how can I be feeling like this about something I made up?  To be completely honest with you it scares me that I'll be going back to a, for lack of a better word, reality where I killed a man that I have such strong feelings for but I have to do this.  It can't be healthy living in a made-up world, can it?" it was scary how calm she felt right now, it was eerie and Janet was worried.  "I'm guessing I can't just ignore everyone here or I'll just keep returning in my mind so I have to get rid of it all permanently, if my subconscious believes that you're all dead then this place won't be comforting anymore" everything was so crystal clear to her now.  

"It was so nice here too…so homely I guess, but it was my mind doing all the work again.  Like I said to Jack earlier it was really me controlling what you were all saying, that's why this reality was so ideal to me" it didn't escape Janet that she had called him Jack, but from how Carter was talking she probably believed she couldn't get court marshaled from admitting things about someone that to her, didn't even exist anymore.  "There were so many things I never got to say to him but this is my subconscious' way of letting me…admit things without getting hurt" the Doc opened her mind to speak but Sam cut her off "please don't say anything…it'll just make this harder" she pleaded, then without saying anything else, aimed and fired the Zat.

Janet fell from her chair to the hard floor "damn" Carter looked a little annoyed now.  "I'm going to be late so I'll be back later Janet" the Major walked from the Infirmary and locked the door behind her again before hurrying along on her way.

*

"I thought Janet said you couldn't here," Daniel said as he watched Carter walk into the Gateroom all ready to go with them.  "Not that I'm not happy to see you can come, does this mean you're better?"

Sam nodded happily "its all be sorted out, I went to her this morning and she was…understanding" Daniel looked at her strangely, it was a weird word to use – understanding, about what?"  However he shrugged it off, thinking he was looking too deeply into things.

"I am pleased that you are well Major Carter" Teal'c smiled at his friend and teammate before turning to the Stargate in preparation to leave.

"It's great to have you back Carter" Sam turned around and smiled brightly at O'Neill.  It was going to be so hard to say goodbye, but at least this time she would get the chance to.  The seventh chevron locked and SG-1 walked along the same ramp they had done on many occasions before, but this time, would they be coming back?

To be continued… 

         


	6. Listen to Me

Chapter VI

****

****

Carter was the last on through the Gate and so on the other side, was the last one out.  She purposely stayed quiet and a little away from her team in case they noticed she was acting a little…off.  SG-1 were due to rendezvous with SG-4 in thirty minutes by an abandoned town, it was old and nobody lived there anymore but it looked like an advanced culture had occupied P3X 969 at some point due to the state of the buildings.  It actually looked a little like Tollana.  To reach the town the team had to walk through a narrow pass with tall cliffs on either side, a river had once flowed through there but now due to the conditions of the planet, it had dried up. Traces of water still remained but nothing more than tiny puddles every forty feet or so, there were no trees around the Stargate instead it was covered with sand, though not as much as Abydos but still quite similar.  One sun lit up the red sky and SG-1 paused before continuing on to apply the sun cream that SG-4 had advised they bring along.

After walking for five minutes they came to the long river road, there was grass here though it was a sandy colour and it was quite short.  No doubt it had not been given a chance to grow through lack of rain, it was very quiet on the planet and there appeared to be no other life forms present.  The UAV had not picked up on anything either "so what did Janet say?" Daniel was the first to speak.

"What did she say about what?" Carter shook out of her thoughts and looked behind her to face Daniel.

He did think Sam's behaviour was unusual but after what had been going on lately he wasn't too surprised, it was still disconcerting though, the way she was acting.  "Well when you went to see her before we came here…its just that even if you did suddenly start feeling better out of the blue like that, I would have thought Janet would still keep you behind for a couple of days" he responded.

Carter stopped walking and turned around fully to look at Daniel, she didn't appear very happy "are you saying I'm lying?" she demanded.  _Well I have to make it look believable _"Janet checked me over and everything was fine, I made her see that there was no reason to keep me behind."

"There's no need to be so defensive Sam, it was a simple question" the Archaeologist answered, he was confused by her rapid change in attitude "and what do you mean you made her _see _there was no reason to keep you behind?" that was the second time she had phrased something strangely.

By this time Teal'c and O'Neill had also halted "keep it moving" it was making both the Colonel and the Jaffa uneasy walking through the pass, the area was too closed up.

"I'm not getting defensive, I just don't like what you're insinuating" what was making her most annoyed was the fact that he had begun to see through the pretense so fast, the Major had hoped she could get each of them alone but if Daniel kept on prying she would have to put her plan into action sooner rather than later.

"I do not believe Major Carter is herself, and I too do not think it likely that Doctor Fraiser would have allowed her to leave the base so soon" Teal'c spoke quietly to O'Neill, they were just out of earshot of the angry Carter.  Jack nodded with a concerned expression on his face; he looked back at the bickering half of SG-1.

"I wasn't insinuating anything!  I was just asking a simple question and you turn it into a debate" he tried to stay calm but worry and frustration was banding together and his voice raised an octave.

"O'Neill" Teal'c shouted from where he was standing, he looked up to the top of the right cliff.

Jack looked from Carter to Daniel "would you two stop it, if there was anybody else here you would've just let the whole planet know" that effectively shut them up.

"O'Neill" the Jaffa yelled again though his voice was louder and more urgent this time.  As the Colonel turned around to find out the reason for his friends calls he found out why, a contingent of Jaffa were towering above them with their staffs weapons aimed in their direction. "We will not make it to the town" Teal'c stated, "Returning to the Stargate is our only choice."

Before the Jaffa could begin to fire upon them, SG-1 sped back the way they had come.  It had taken them five minutes to reach the river road whilst walking and so running would cut that time considerably; the enemy had a distinct advantage being high up and with a clear view of their targets.  SG-1 were sitting ducks, the firing began and numerous rocks began to fall onto the dried up river bed as staffs blasts missed the team and hit the sides of the cliff, as they dodged fire and rock SG-1 did manage to get a few shots off in the direction of some Jaffa.  However they only wounded and did not succeed in killing any due to the position that they were, gravel crunched under foot as they ran and hearts pounded as more blasts rained upon them.  The Jaffa ceased fire but SG-1 didn't stop to find out the reason why, however whether they wanted to find out or not they were going to.  As they neared the exit of the river road it was blocked.  Six Jaffa blocked their way and they weren't planning on letting them pass "so how's the view from up there?" Jack asked as though he did actually give a damn.  "I was going to check it out later but some idiot decided to stop my fun" he chatted.  "Maybe you know them…they were this high" he indicated the height of the Jaffa "wearing costumes that'd be laughed out of a fancy dress competition" he insulted.  A staff weapon was aimed at his head "it's a simple question" the Jaffa stepped forward "I'll take that as a no."

"Silence" one ordered, "you will not speak."

O'Neill nodded then held up his hand as though he was in a classroom and wanting to speak to the mean teacher "so how can we answer any questions you might ask us?" Teal'c raised an eyebrow and Jack shrugged nonchalantly "it's a reasonable question."

"You will die for your insolence" the Jaffa retorted smugly.

A few feet away the members of SG-4 began to sneak up on the unsuspecting Jaffa, Jack chuckled "if I had got a cent for every time one of you guys said that, I wouldn't have to work anymore…course I would anyway cause its just so much fun seeing you guys get your assed kicked every single time --" he punctuated the last three words and would have continued had Daniel not interrupted.

"Well maybe not every single time" the younger man corrected, they spoke as though they were just in the commissary, conversing over a cup of coffee in the morning.

"Yeah…there was one time, maybe two…possibly three where they did gain the upper hand" Jack retracted his earlier statement.  "We still got away eventually though, so even if we didn't really kick their butts it could still be classed as a win for us."

Daniel seemed to think for a moment before he nodded his agreement "that is true."

"I agree…many times we have 'kicked their butts'" Teal'c quoted "I do believe this may be one of those times" he regarded the Jaffa that had been speaking to them.

"And why do you think that, T?" O'Neill prodded, a cheeky grin on his face.

Teal'c didn't turn his gaze from the Jaffa, but he smirked – just a little bit "perhaps because they are surrounded" he offered.  Now that had the desired effect.  The Jaffa turned around and were confronted by the members of SG-4 "if this were a game of chess I believe this would be check mate."

The lead Jaffa however was not to be outdone by the Tau'ri and the Shol'va, as he spun around to meet SG-4 he fired his staff weapon wildly, this lasted for no more than three tense seconds before he was shot dead.  The remainder of the enemy turned to look at one another after seeing their commander be cut down before them "so what's it going to be?" the Colonel asked them.  He question was answered as they too began to fire, evidently not wanting to return to their 'god' with news that they had failed miserably.  "How long have they been here?" O'Neill directed his question at the leader of the other team.

"We spotted them a couple of hours ago as they walked though the town, I don't know if they were here for any specific reason though" was the reply.

Behind them a low rumbling sounded as more rocks fell to the ground, dislodged after blasts had hit the rocks and caused them to crumble "Carter?" at O'Neill's questioning look, Daniel and Teal'c turned around to look at the spot where the Major had been standing minutes ago, a soft moan was the reason they found her location "Daniel get us out off here" was the Colonel's order, and the Archaeologist swiftly complied.

*

Thanks goodness for spare keys!  Janet was shaky as she got to her feet, and she used the computer table for support as she reached for the phone "get General Hammond to the Infirmary immediately" she spoke in a no nonsense tone.  The phone on the other side clattered as it was set back on its cradle, whoever was on the other end of the line had no doubt hurried to do what she asked.  A few minutes passed before the door opened, the Doc had unlocked it once she could walk on steady feet.  Janet didn't bother with pleasantries "where are SG-1?"

"Off world" the General replied "why?  What's going on?" 

"Did Major Carter go with them?" Hammond, much to Janet's dismay nodded a yes.  "Oh I hope we're not too late" realizing the General had no clue what she meant by that comment she explained "Major Carter came to me just before SG-1 left, remember when I told you that she's been 'living' another version of events when she blackouts?  Maybe even when she's been sleeping?  Sam has come to the conclusion that this is false, and that the only way to stop this version from continuing is to get rid of all the reasons she's here.  She came her and used the Zat to knock me out…she would have fired again but she realised that SG-1 were due to leave so she left" Janet paused to give Hammond time to let the information sink in.

His face had grown graver and more serious as the Doctor had given him the cliff notes version of what had happened "I'll get them back immediately" _I just hope we aren't too late_ he and Janet both made for the door when the sound of the klaxons gave them cause to pause momentarily – this could not be good.

"SG-1 IDC."

General Hammond gave the go ahead to open the Iris and he and the Doctor waited with baited breath to see who would come through the Gate, and in what state.  They were early so it couldn't be good news, what they wanted to know was how bad it was.  SG-4 rushed down the ramp and met the med team as they waited for injured members, SG-4 were all fine, so was Daniel as he came through and Teal'c also was not hurt in any way.  A few seconds before the Iris closed Colonel O'Neill raced through and laid a bleeding and unconscious Major Carter upon the waiting gurney, his hands bleeding, he looked up into the Control Room and watched as Janet rushed towards the Infirmary.

"What happened?" Hammond had ordered Jack to get cleaned up before he came to the Infirmary and so it was Teal'c that answered his question whilst they watched Janet work to save their friend.  "There was a rock slide" Teal'c replied.

"Care to elaborate?" when the Jaffa said naught Daniel resumed the short debrief.

Half his attention was in the room and the other half on letting the General know what had occurred on the planet "basically we were attacked by Jaffa.  They shot at us, we tried to run back to the Stargate, they stopped us, we talked, SG-4 came, and we fought some more.  Evidently a staff blast had cause a small rock slide and Sam was in its path" despite the fact that she had still been hurt, Hammond was relieved it wasn't because Carter had been following out her plan.

"How is she?" his coat was off and hands now washed of blood but the look of obvious worry was still upon O'Neill's face, he moved closer to the bed that Carter had been placed on.  He listened as Janet shouted orders, the majority of which he didn't know what it even meant, but as long as it helped he was fine with it.

The Doc stepped back as Sam momentarily regained consciousness, she looked around her distraught at where she was "no…it wasn't supposed to be like this," she whispered before closing her eyes again.

All members of SG-1 looked at Janet for an explanation "she thinks she made this reality up…"

Jack moved past the Doc and laid his hands on the side of the bed "now listen to me Carter…" he didn't know if she could even hear him.

***      

Many of the bases personnel were at Daniel's apartment, anything breakable had bee moved out of the way and food and drink had been set out on the tables.  The people that were there were the ones who had know Jack in some way, shape or form.  The mood was somber but was made lighter by a couple of people telling others about some of O'Neill's antics, it was the wake and everyone had started to get there around half an hour earlier.  It was felt strange that on such an awful day it was shining brightly outside, it should be raining so it'd match the sad and miserable mood that everyone was in.  It was…hard, being there.  SG-1 mingled saying hello to people as they walked through the door and the stupid but most oft question that had been asked so far was "how are you?" It was probably out of politeness more than anything, well that and because nobody else really knew what to say.

Teal'c, Daniel and Sam were in the kitchen.  The Jaffa by the door, Archaeologist leaning against the fridge and the Major sitting atop one of the counters, all had a drink in their hand and none of them were speaking.  They didn't need to though for there was nothing awkward about the silence, it was more companionable.  They had been there for about fifteen minutes longer than all the others; they had helped Daniel prepare everything before the guests had started to arrive.  Carter rubbed her temples, had been complaining of a headache since they had arrived at the apartment "I might just head home" she sighed.

"On your own?  Are you sure?" Daniel questioned.

"Perhaps it would be better for you to remain a little longer" Teal'c let his thoughts be known.

Carter smiled at the two of them as she walked to the door "guys, I'm grieving, not an invalid."  Before she could move further Sam grabbed the door and let out a yell of pain, any noise in the apartment ceased and all eyes were on the kitchen.  Janet pushed through the people to get to Carter and see what was wrong "it hurts!  I'm bleeding" well, she could feel blood on her stomach but when she moved the shirt away there was nothing there, the Doc gave her a puzzled look.  Carter fell back against the door as he legs gave way, and clutched her stomach in pain, Janet didn't need to say anything, Teal'c helped Sam to her feet and they left the apartment for the SGC.

*

"I can't find anything wrong with her!" Janet told a frantic SG-1 "before Sam collapsed she said she felt as though something was pressing against her lungs, that she could feel a rib crack.  She said there was blood – and you can see for yourselves that isn't true.  I have ran tests, scans and there is absolutely nothing physically wrong with her."

Daniel sat down on one of the beds "you mean this is mental?  That Sam is imagining she what?  Dying?" realization kicked in "the blackouts…she thinks something happened in the other reality and she's feeling it here?  Well, well how do we help her?  What do we do?" so many questions that he wanted to ask and he already knew that there were no answers.

As Sam began to wake she could hear a voice, it sounded so close like it was next to her.  It was soft and familiar and one Carter didn't think she would hear again for the owner was supposed to dead.  "Now listen to me, Carter…you said your mind is making up all this stuff…why would you imagine yourself being hurt, a lot, by a rock slide?  Now that just doesn't make sense.  This is your home…"

Jack's voice was cut short by Sam as she began to regain consciousness "I saw it…I was hurt off world, it hurts…a lot.  I can't be imagining…this…why would my mind create a scenario like this?" he head was hurting and she was so confused.  Her mind was scattered and so many thought were travelling through her brain as she tried to answer her own questions "I can't stay here…I'm sorry" it seemed strange to be saying sorry to something that was in her head.

"No Sam, don't let go…you have to stay with us" was the pleading reply that Carter received.  She closed her eyes then, a drifted away from this scenario until she woke in another place where she was in a lot of pain, but felt a lot more real than the place where she had killed her leader, friend, and one day maybe something more.

***  

"She coming back…" a female voice called across the Infirmary.

Then the sound of footsteps as people ran over "is Major Carter well?" a familiar deep voice asked.

And then "Sam can you hear us?  Look, look she's opening her eyes" a happy voice responded.

"Knew you'd be back Carter" on that note Sam opened her eyes and yawned tiredly.

Her gaze met the familiar overhead lights of the Infirmary and after a second or two she looked around at the people in the room, Janet, Teal'c, Daniel and O'Neill all hovered over her with anxious but pleased faces that she was awake, and apparently doing well.  "How long have I been here?"

"You've been in and out of consciousness for a week.  I found an abnormality in your blood work that wasn't there when I first tested it, you went to a planet to check out a temple…do you remember?" Janet questioned.  Carter's neck felt sore as she nodded a confirmation "Colonel O'Neill informed me that you came in contact with what appeared to be a field of corn, it was the last place you had been to before your blackouts so the other members of your team went back there to get some samples."

"Doc she's only just woke up can't you give us the short version" Jack gave a little smirk as Carter shot him a grateful look, her head couldn't deal with it all just yet.

Janet nodded in understanding "got it…to cut a long story short, this 'corn' reacted with the protein marker.  Teal'c wasn't affected because he washed his hands as soon as he returned, to get rid of the powder that was left.  You came straight here, to the Infirmary, and it was during the debriefing that it was absorbed into your bloodstream.  The substance caused your mind to produce hallucinatory images, basically the way you saw it, it was Colonel O'Neill that was affected and your subconscious began to make things up as it went along" she concluded.  "I'll come back later to see how you're doing…guys, just a couple of minutes longer, Sam needs to rest" Janet smiled at her reassuringly then moved away from the team.

"The way we figure it, it was when you were in your weakened state that you had the strength to overcome what your mind was making you believe" Daniel added.

"So it was almost dying that helped me live…" _now that's something to get your head around_. 

Daniel and Teal'c began to move away "how is it that whenever we just woke up in here, we can never have visitors see us for too long, because we need to _rest_…that's what you've been doing in here all week" he wasn't really complaining, it was just one of the kooky things about hospitals.

"I almost didn't come back…I was so sure I'd made all this up…" it was scary that sometimes she couldn't even trust her own mind.

O'Neill sat on the side of the bed "it was bad there for a while Carter, you were lost in your own mind.  What brought you back?" he wondered out loud.

Sam smiled and lay her head back down on the pillow then closed her eyes; she heard footsteps as Jack moved away from the bed, evidently he thought she had fallen asleep again.  Jack opened the door to leave the Infirmary but paused as she spoke, he grinned as she gave him his answer "someone told me this was home."

      


	7. Teaser

Teaser

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On the next Stargate SG-1 fanfic… 

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To save the future SG-1 must change the past…

The grey haired woman eyed O'Neill and shook her head in worry.  "It was not meant to be this way…these two…" she pointed a bony finger at Captain Bishop and Doctor Lane "should not be here, this is not how it was written!"

But this time it is not Earth that must be saved…

"We can't just let her die, Jack!" Daniel cried out in anguish, he cast a saddened glance at the little girl who was a little younger than Cassie had been when the team had first encountered her.  "She's just a child!"

_The Colonel spun around angrily, ignoring the shocked expressions of those around him.  "Don't you think I know that?  Give me another way Daniel and I will gladly take it!"_

And the only two people that can help, are missing…

General Hammond noticed immediately that two members of his flagship team had not come through the Stargate with the others.  His questioning gaze fell on Jack "Where are Major Carter and Doctor Jackson?"

_It was Teal'c who answered.  "We are unsure, General Hammond" he replied._

And presumed dead…

Jacob's eyes were downcast, that was the first sign that the Colonel had that something was wrong.  "What did you find?" he asked when in truth he didn't want to know.

_It was Selmac that answered but even the Tok'ra symbiote was hesitant.  "We cannot be certain, but we think it was your friends."_

_"How can you be uncertain?  You either found them or you didn't" his patience was rapidly dissolving as he searched the older man's face for answers._

Where one decision…

The little girl stood in the centre of the battlefield, the wind blowing her short black curls into her dark face; and eyes open in terror as arrows shot forth from the longs bows that her father's men held.  She looked away from them and faced her mother's troops that were stationed on the other side; a spear was flung through the air.  She heard the one called Teal'c shouting, "You must stop this!" then all went black for her.

Will change the course of one planets history

Sam turned away from the anxious people.  "I have an idea, it's a long shot but it just might work."

**An all-new Stargate SG-1, starting Wednesday January 21st at 6pm on fanfiction.net **


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